Ivan Musoke

#UGBlogWeek: The Haircut

I got a haircut today. So close to the general elections, it’s easy to think there’s a statement being made, but there really isn’t. I figured I was a tad too hairy for my liking and decided to do something about it. Plus, I really can’t stand it when my moustache tries too hard to socialize with my meals.
So, again, I just thought I was due for a change of some sort. No political statement there.
Quite naturally, I found myself pulled in to a discussion with the barber.
Usually we talk about concerts and local music and when that well runs dry, we move in to suck up mode. The concerts thing was a pretty cool routine in as far as my relationship with the advertising industry allows me to know what’s coming up when.
The idea is to fan the flames, dangle a carrot and not let on too much. Just enough to get him excited about what my client has planned.
It works on two levels;

  • I come off as a very informed, very smart “deep-throat” kinda guy
  • In some odd way, its like revision.

The second part of the routine would work much better if he kept punctuating his statements with the hashtag #nohomo.
I want to squirm when he goes on about just how amazing I look and how I will draw stares when he is done with me.
He has gone so far as to suggest that a bride-to-be will think twice should her gaze wander away from the altar and rest on me. I can’t squirm, though, because he has a dangerous appliance dangerously close to my jugular.
As luck would have it, there are no concerts around the corner and, thankfully, the barber wasn’t in his usual suck up mode.
So, politics.
The discussion didn’t veer to who I’m planning to soil my thumb for, but rather the aftermath of the elections. He figured things are going to get immensely chaotic, and even let on that one of his customers had mentioned flights to the UK have been fully booked over the past 3 days. Given my own experience trying to get a visa ages ago, I have to admit I’m a little impressed by how easy it was for people to up and leave. More impressive though, is the fact that there were a couple of foreigners in the salon being attended to, which made me wonder just how insane things would get.
My barber went on to talk about how much support the leader of the opposition has managed to garner. “If he told people to…. They would do it unquestioningly.” His words exactly, he actually trailed off at the point where he said, “if he told people to…”. I was supposed to fill in the blanks, I guess, but I really couldn’t be arsed.
The Electoral Commission has asked people to leave their phones and cameras at home when they come out to vote, so of course conspiracy theories abound. A situation not helped by the EC not offering a solid explanation why.
On the other side of the coin, one of the arms of security has told people to leave immediately after casting their votes. Now, that should go without saying, shouldn’t it? I mean, why the heck would anyone want to stick around after enduring long cues in the sweltering heat? Speaking of which, is it just me or were we not promised the return of El Nino? I sort of feel like it went the way of most anticipated series. Were the rains cancelled?
Right, so, two sides to a coin; one says no cameras and smartphones (which is also annoying because that’s where my details are ie, Voter Number, Polling Station, so I’m going to be forced to actually ‘remember’ things) and the other says “Vote and GO”.
But the candidates have also decided they want in on the coin proggie and have asked voters to stick around till the polling stations close. So, in other words, if you have proggie, shelf it that democracy may have a shot.
As I understand it anyway.
I really was there for a haircut, not to talk about matters of the state, so I’m sure you can understand my relief when we switched things up and started talking about dandruff.


  1. Tehehe!
    This reminds me of the boda boda riders who want to know who I will vote for. It’s like they are all on a mission to get this piece of info.

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