Ivan Musoke

#UGBlogWeek: The Election Survival Toolkit

Alright, listen up.

I’m only going to say this once. It’s way too hot and repeating myself will likely take its toll, I will not cave to your “I beg your pardon” and “come again”… no repeat no surrender.
Tomorrow is D-Day, the day we march to the polling stations, dip our fingers in ink with the hope that soiled thumbs move mountains.
I’ve  heard way too many people discussing ‘stocking up’ on things “just in case” and I really think it’s unnecessary panic. BUT, I also don’t want to be that guy that will move from door to door saying “You were right”. I can’t stand self righteous “I told you so’s”.
If you’re like me, you probably need some guidance on what to ‘stock up’ on, so here goes;
For all you know, someone somewhere may decide to cut off the water supply out of some misguided ‘beef’, so you’re gonna need all the water you can save. Plus, have you been outside? Do you know what a tan looks like on an already dark person? I look like I went to the tattoo parlour and asked for a giant dark ink-blot. If I had water, I would hydrate and fend off the malicious sun rays.
Yeah, this is where it gets a little messy. Like you, I wish I could stock up on a bunch of burgers and be done with it. However, cold burgers are the worst and you’d be competing with mold to devour the bread.
Eggs are also a bit of a problem because, naturally, you won’t want to eat all of them at once and that breeds two potential issues. Either they will rot (which might not be such a bad thing if you know some rioters) or they will hatch and you will get attached to the baby chicken and not know how to deal when you start picturing them on skewers.
Cereal is not such a bad plan because, well, it’s cereal. How is that ever a bad idea? Hell, you can even have it dry. True story, my roommate stuffed his face with dry Weetabix and he didn’t even channel Louis Armstrong when he was done.
I’ve seen people buying flour and beans and that’s pretty cool…if you miss that part of your childhood. Come on, do you really want to relive those memories? I wouldn’t. I’d sooner starve…but starving kills, so I would go with glucose instead. Might come in handy with all that water you stocked up on.
There are two scenarios that will necessitate this;

  • You happen to vote the ‘wrong’ person and your partner doesn’t want anything to do with you, thus condemning you to a relationship with your hand. It’s how you got in this mess in the first place
  • The prophets of doom were right and shit really hit the fan. Ergo, tired of hearing how no one would shag you even if you were the last person to walk the earth (Uganda, really) you take matters in to your hand

A Bible. Or a Quran
If things go tits up, and again, I really don’t see that happening, you just know some idiot will threaten your life with the question, “Who did you vote?”. Quite naturally, the first thing that you’ll want to say is, “Mabirizi for sheezy”. But you just know the idiot won’t understand that. And if he does, there’s something about losing the respect of someone whose IQ you trump…So option B is to be religious about the whole thing and say you follow only one true leader, then whip out the Book of your choosing and ask him if he has a minute…
CHICKS! That’s what baby chicken are called. I might have to go back and edit that paragraph.
Sanitizer/ Wet wipes
If there’s good news, and there’s really no reason there shouldn’t be, you know there are going lots of high fives flying around. I don’t know that people will take the time to wash their hands THEN jubilate.
To, well, you know, help you forget.

That’s pretty much it.
I know you’re going to criticize me for leaving stuff like airtime off the list, but this is no time to be calling people just to ask them where they are. It’s inappropriate and you ought to be ashamed that your inner stalker would want to take advantage of a situation.
And before you bring out the pitch fork because I didn’t mention the Internet, remember I talked about porn. What do you need the internet for? Louis Van Gaal is not going anywhere (doubt he is the only one that fits that profile, considering) and you know you won’t need to update your apps.
Just replay that level of Candy Crush and tell anyone who cares to listen how hardcore a gamer you are.
Also, avoid one of the recent James Bond movies…Skyfall, I think. It makes mention of rigging an election in Uganda and you don’t really need that kind of unrealistic spiel in your life. I mean, what are the odds?

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