Ivan Musoke

My Neck, My Back Hurts JUST LIKE THAT

Let’s just dive right in shall we.
I have Spinal Spondylosis…the condition, not the movie. It is not the reason I walk with a, er, bounce. But it sure as hell is the reason it feels like my ribs are not held together and are engaged in a playful game of poke the lung every time the vehicle I am using goes over the humps that litter our roads. It is also the reason my back hurts like a bitch. Yeah, there is no colorful way of describing my back pain.
It took a while to arrive at this diagnosis by the way. In typical Ugandan fashion, the first doctor I saw said it was Malaria. Let’s think about this for a second. I have a sudden back pain, a dull ache in my right hand and the ribs in my chest feel like they are trying to have forced intercourse with my lungs and somehow this is supposed to be a strain of malaria?
How is this even remotely possible? Have the anopheles Mosquitoes enrolled in some Military school? Did the Italian Mosquitoes send some Mafia Enforcer; Don Squito? Has the virus had enough diseases like Ebola and AIDS taking its shine and decided “Screw this. You don’t know who the **** you are ****ing with!” (I don’t even know why I bothered censoring those words, what else could it be?)
So anyway, I told the doctor I didn’t think it was Malaria, but he insisted that I take the test. No lie, I hate needles, but if they will reveal what’s going on, so be it.
Results came in and….. NO FLIPPIN MALARIA!!!
However, the doctor is not buying this. “It could be hidden, take these pills.” Hidden? What the hell? Are the White Blood Cells and the Malaria parasites working together? From whence did this solidarity come?
So I took the drugs for the first day and surprise, surprise, I was still in pain! So I sought a second opinion.
I won’t name names, but this doctor is notorious for deriding our local doctors and their Malaria prescriptions. For once I was on the same page with him.
His diagnosis, “You have a long thin neck!”
Er, okay.
“Actually, you are tall and thin.”
Shit, I could have stayed at home, looked at myself in the mirror and saved myself the consultation money!
“So, your spine *something something* nerves *something something* pain”
“Let’s run some blood tests just so we can be sure we did not leave anything out”
Oh Crap, Mister! You don’t wanna do that! I have this Malaria Parasite in there that will break the friggin needle before you can get a sample!
The results; NEGATIVE for anything of significance.
So I’m told to stick with painkillers for the rest of my life. EXCITING! This brings me a step closer to being like that grouchy doctor on TV.
The pain refused to go away!
It just stayed and stayed,
Stayed like it wanted to play!
So I got a third opinion! And that’s how I found out that I have Spinal Spondylosis! In as few words as possible; Spine, Bone, Poor Posture, Nerves Pressed.
The doctor has this little gadget that has these funny pad thingies that distribute jolts of electricity through my body. It’s an odd sensation, and I’m sure the doctor knows this.  So I don’t understand why he thinks I can sleep through the whole 30 minute ordeal. It took some getting used to, but when I finally accepted it as a friend (not on Facebook, Erique!) I just had to know its name. What do they call you, oh buzzing gizmo! Who shall I say cured me of my malady?
The doctor was only too willing to offer, “It’s called a Digital Therapy Machine!”
Are you kidding me? I was offended! You might as well slap a sticker on its side that says “Sylvia”
The doctor was on a roll. During the second session of physiotherapy, a belt like thingy was strapped around my waist.
“It will produce some heat!”
I was comfortable with that, what pissed me off was its name.
“This one is called a hot belt…”

Catch you on the other side

Other Side
I think there’s a boda boda guy trying to off me. I’m not sure but it could be for this Human Sacrifice thing that has swept the country. Everytime I jump onto his bike, I give him specific instructions… and directions. I tell him exactly where I want to go. Then I wait.
Sure as rain, he always tries to branch off to some dark place, until I tap him and say, “Boss!”
Then he goes back the way he is supposed to.
I feel compelled to tell him that I am probably not the witchdoctor’s type. I am tainted. The witchdoctor wants virgins. I’ve had sex before and I’ll be damned if I don’t have it again!
I am trying to understand what’s going on in his mind at these points, “I think he is sleeping, I can take him the other way…” Shit, speaking of ‘the other way’, maybe it’s not Human Sacrifice this guy is after…
In other NEWS
The president loves himself some ‘TOOKE‘ biscuits. Would it have killed the geniuses behind this product to sit down and think of a more awesome name… I don’t know about you, but if a kid walked up to me and said he wants money for Tooke, I’d slap him for being so obscene…


  1. Rigidly sitting upright while griping the steering wheel of an L plate car does that to you. While, doing so, the boda boda guy spotted you… he is pulling rank 🙂
    What awesome name would you suggest for the biscuits?

  2. Tee hee on the tooke comment.
    Meanwhile, the president should really do something about his chief photographer. What’s with getting him in all these bu-ridiculous poses?
    As for you and your muzungu diseases … I heard ground crocodile bones work.

  3. Gwe You guy you are already having sex? ewwww!
    And this is rid cracking funny. Ribs fornicating with lungs Ivan? where do u think up these things? Like afterwords while you cuddle?

  4. LOL! I have laughed so much…why I’m reading blogs in school I have no idea….
    The Malaria is hidden?? hahaha..I need to read this again

  5. That malaria hidden thing.. get it ALLLLL the time, so u errr.. self medicate before seeking a professional opinion… saves u dimes and increases the probability of falling sicker if u r treating the wrong thing.. Awesome, innit?
    Tooke cookie thingies.. I died. But since i Have actually worked with these chaps, i wont say anything else.

  6. If laughter is medicinal I think you will have cured yourself by now. Otherwise, take your own advice and grab some kabuuti.

  7. @Ashy: I think I’d go with Tookie Cookie and have a smiling Banana graphic or somethin’
    @Tumwi: I have failed to find crocodiles on the ground
    @Antipop: Yeah, sure, poke fun at my fragile ribs
    @Chanel: you like you some TOOKE, eh?
    @Iwaya: Slow your roll, I don’t even know the guy!
    @Val: Blogs are for people that are too cool for school… can’t believe I just wrote that
    @Tandra: You Okay with Tokay?
    @Petesmama: Kabuuti won’t do shit for this back
    @Lionel: Thank you.
    @Minty: It felt like sex…
    @Heaven: It is not a disease, it is a condition…and no one jokes about these things

  8. i would have suggested something that has to do with female company and seclusion but i see technology has lefted me behind. glad you are all better. the tuk-tuk[ers] still attempting to assassinate you son?

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