Ivan Musoke

Here's To You

My Net’s acting up again.The last time something like that happened I typed anatomy of a strike…(its down there somewhere).”Oh Crap” I’m sure someone has muttered…actually knowing you lot,its not under your breath.You don’t mince words…we need guys like you telling Bush to **Content Removed By Blog Support**

Anywho,it certainly feels good to be back,I suppose the only thing that totally tops that is the fact that I am officially the second party in a relationship…I love how these things work out.Its amazing…and its also the kind of thing that would appear on Raymond’s blog…so none of that overly sentimental stuff here. Yes I am truly madly deeply in love and I am given to quoting lines from Boyz II Men tracks without really thinking about it,but that’s pretty much it. I would have to pay Raymond for biting his style a’la Blog Romance…

In an entirely different twist,I was planning to title this post Couple that Rocks,then I realised I would go with Raymond and Carlo for pulling a Bush-Blair attack on my blog..and then all sorts of questions would spring forth,”why wasn’t I there?”..and I can no longer use the excuse,”I didn’t think you used the net”…the last time I did that someone went ballistic (look everybody,big words!)…plus I also realised I was hoping to use it as leverage or sumthin’ so that the alliance that is Dee-Jay would bribe me to get featured…

I’m sorry these things stretch out so,I really am.I’m a lamer and I talk too much..but you know what?One of these days,you will figure I’m going on a rant and everything will be moving on great and out of nowhere,when you least expect it,I’ll just………..

STOP.

That's Reality….NOT!!

Got Tricked Into Doing This

Its evident the TV execs. We have so long expected to give us great shows have gone on leave. Either that or they have genuinely run out of ideas. Whatever the case, they have set off a nasty precedent; REALITY SHOWS!! The sad fact is that they just can’t work here in Uganda even if we so badly wanted them to.

Take Punk’d for instance. It’s a sort of Candid Camera© affair wherein Celebrities have all sorts of practical jokes played on them…usually testing their breaking point. This show just can’t work here because, on top of having no celebrities, the pseudo-celebrities just don’t have the sort of patience that would delay a commercial break. The average kind would yell obscenities, jump onto a table get a good view of the onlookers and yell some stuff about people’s parents. The other sort will simply force a grin and pretend that his/her life is always like this.

Then we have newlyweds…wherein we have Jessica Simpson and Nick something being followed around full time. I mean, honestly, who exactly would be interested in such mindless scrutiny of how celebrities live. We already have “as-if” (that would be one of the phrases David Tumusiime is looking out for) tabloids littering the side walks, the last thing we need is to watch another celebrity trying his hand at Pidgin English.

Of course there is the option of watching “Life in Customer Service”. This would probably be worth the watch. For one thing we get to see who the droning voice at the other end of the line belongs to, or who gives asinine answers to the effect, “Oh No! seriously?…” plus we get to kick them out of our misery! Of course on occasion we may develop a soft spot for the hardworking ladies, but either way I think I’ll float this to, I don’t know, UTV when (or if) they get privatised. And it has continuity value, the first time round we can focus on UEDCL, then in the next season we tackle mobile phone companies.

We all know that The Swan wouldn’t work. Its that show where these women that are convinced they are, well, ugly, get makeovers and then stand to win loads of money. It just can’t work because most of the women here that would be ideal for the show are under the impression that they have found the perfect self esteem enhancers; marinating in cheap perfume and undergoing self induced epidermal chromatography (bleaching).

Of course at this point a fair share of eyebrows is raised in concern. The ardent reader is wondering, “Did he actually miss Big Brother? Or Popstars…or The East African TV auditions?”… the answer, NO! I didn’t! What I was trying is to put into practice the underlying premise for “Faking It”. I was trying to escape my extremely happening life where I am not bothered by the apparent lack of good programming on the Television. I was trying to pull the wool over your eyes, but you caught me. And you know why? Because the reality is, these shows are so shallow and predictable we tend to know where they are heading way before the characters do.

Its a New Year

Got Tricked Into Doing This

First off,Happy New year,Its amazing we have come this far…it kind of screws up the movie industry ‘coz now they can’t quite pull sci-fi banter that begins with its the year 2006. The sad fact is, we are so not buying that anymore.Granted they may still get us to go all “ooh” and “ahh” but they’ll have to work harder at it.

The future is here which means we are going to be hit with even more futuristic crap and Matrix Rip-Offs…

In another development,I’m going to start “yapping” about video games ‘coz they are a passion of sorts…

And if you’ve read this far…DAMN!!I’m impressed,I’m having a hard time staying up to type this…

So Now We Know….

Got Tricked Into Doing This

Okay,so its official,I needn’t got hrough the hectic,migraine inducing process of trying to remember the address for the edit section of the site…I can just hit Blog this and that’s it…Big Up Baz with the words of wisdom…I’ll put my agreeing with you down to the fact that there’s a song playing on K-FM that emotionally begs us to believe that You don’t need dreads to be a Rastafari person…You also don’t have to be hydrophobic or nuthin’….plus it wouldn’t hurt if half the time,at the very least, you utter things that people DO understand. Anywho,I just happened to be here,doing rounds and stuff…

Got Tricked Into Doing This

Got Tricked Into Doing This

I clicked on the Blog This thing and ended up here.I honestly have no idea as per what the heck will happen when i hit the “publish” button…Knowing the power that the internet wields,I will definitely NOT be arrested…Yes,Carlo….I acknowledge that I too have my flaws,I am not the genius everyone makes me out to be…well maybe a little,but only just….And Dee!!thanks for actually posting a comment..Its odd,I actually get moved by the friggin’ comments…anywho,Movers and Shakers out there let it not be said I forgot y’all.I just figured I’d rather give props to Darlyne and Carlo for their support.

Anatomy Of A Strike

Its no secret,strikes are part of the curriculum on most university timetables.They are right there,next to impromptu (?) tests and sudden coursework collections. The problem though is the motive. In as much as we are well aware that they are some sort of birth-right,we can’t quite fathom how best we can justify them…Ideally we wouldn’t have to,but society suggests otherwise.We are expected to account for our actions…

With some thought,often over a couple of beers and pork,someone realises that they do not really have grounds for a strike, so he volunteers that information and the one girl they allowed to attend the meeting puts in her views,”why don’t we strike over the fact that we do not have a good reason to strike?” So she gets bounced from the meet and she goes over to the common room to watch “WOMAN OF MY LIFE”.

The remaining members form what is later known as The Band Of Brothers…or UYD in short and ponder harder than ever how to go about the whole strike issue…this happens for a number of days and they finally figure they will strike over the fact that the lecturers are not concerned with them,heck they don’t ask after them when they skip class…

But then,fate intervenes,as she always does that!!The newspaper reports that the lecturers may have a strike of their own.Now,any student would be pleased with this, it actually means less class,more chillin’.But not this lot,they are radical and all that and they also want to add,under their belts,the title of pioneers.They thus decide to come up with a strike of their own.

And strike they do,citing bad food.

Which is really odd when you consider the fact that the quality of the food is usually depressing that it would take a tremendous amount of effort to worsen it. Okay that’s a stereotypical remark, I don’t mind the fish fillet,but a cause for striking is required,so we go with the food story and for good measure we complain about the sorry state of the toilets and stuff. Apparently they’ve gotten so dirty,its no longer healthy to stand on them as you go about doing your business.

Then there’s a glitch,it leaks that the cause for our strike was actually another strike already in progress.THE WORKERS STRIKE. They want higher wages you see,so they decide to lay down the tools of their trade and protest against the harsh conditions.Surprisingly the harsh conditions do not include the awful work environment.

So another meeting is called and the girl is invited to come over and contribute a couple of ideas,but (oh the irony) she can’t make it,she has to watch “Woman Of My Life” after which her rich guy that provides for her what no one else can(because life is good down town) is going to pick her up and they will go out to “full enjoy”…you know.

So they decide to invite more girls who have better sense than to go out with older guys. Some will ask for cash,but well,there’s power in numbers…So finally we have our strike…and then the lecturers try to show the public that we couldn’t come up with this thing on our own,so they decide to strike.

Sadly,they lack the solidarity the student community has..or the resilience,so it ends pretty soon and its business as usual…UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

THE YEAR AFTER

After a reasonable amount of calm, someone figures its about that time of the year again…But one can’t be too sure,so he picks up a timetable and looks for that infamous section,sure enough, a strike is long over due,so he calls up his pals and the new crew,and is a bit miffed by the way girls claimed to be watching “Woman Of My Life” way before it hit the screens.

The usual debate ensues,then calamity strikes,there has been an accident.Everyone is depressed,the girl shakes her head sorrowfully and says something to the effect,”Kale,we have been telling them to “construct” humps!” sneers and jeers ensue then…WHAM!!It finally occurs to the people present that there,right infront of them is a brilliant cause for a demonstration.Yes,a demonstration.They have since learnt that calling it a strike is not valid unless its of Kenyan University proportions.

So a demonstration they have,peaceful at that,save perhaps for people stealing coffins and trying their best to stay out of them.The riot police are happy,now they can finally try out all this new stuff they have received from some donor that lacked any serious use for it. And because it works in the movies,some tear gas is carried.

The scene on campus is in the realm of chaotic. Though peaceful,people took it upon themselves to run around screaming stuff that made no sense at all. This gives what was once a casual demonstration an uncanny resemblance to/with (whatever) a full out STRIKE!!

Suffice to say, we have not quite developed any serious resistance to Tear Gas and our petition to parliament asking them to ban the use of such chemical warfare when we are at it with the police is not really being taken seriously. So we run off,thinking about a possible cause for this whole thing.

We figure that its all over and done with,people retire to their rooms and get round to joking about the whole thing,cracking up when we recall how we kept tripping all over ourselves…

On the other side of things,the police are a bit ticked…no wait,scratch that,they are beyond that,they are royally pissed that they didn’t get anyone out of the whole scuffle. So they mount operation “GET SOME STUDENTS”. This is a pretty straightforward thing,go to any room of your choice knock and grab as many students as you can. It helps if they look like the kid that bullied you back in high school.

Somewhere along the line,a girl wrapped in nothing but a towel is getting ready to watch “Woman Of My Life” when her door is broken down and a cop yells,

madam,we have the place surrounded,now,please help us and get out!!”

To which she replies,with great chagrin,

Shya,I was about to watch Barbarita Ruiz“and he thinks,

Barba??!!**** I hate that show,my wife won’t let me watch That show on EAST Africa TV because she wants to see barba-whatever

and then out loud he says,

Madam,you’re coming with me

She’s not budging.Infact she simply wraps the towel tighter around herself.

madam,nawe,its been a long day,i have to go home and iron before UEDCL cuts off power.If i have to drag you out wrapped in that towel that’s making you look

like a nice looking chic that’s devoid of any inhibitions,…I will
.”

She gets shocked and says,

Okay lemme wear this outfit I bought off one of these ladies that comes here selling clothes from…

Madam I warned you!”

And like that,he grabs her utters a war cry and leaps over the wall….

There’s a court case in progress,the few that weren’t arrested,because they were out nursing hang overs are pissed that they missed the whole thing. So they threaten to strike if their brothers and sisters are not released!!

They do get released and its back to the drawing board. There’s a need to come up with a reason for another strike before the lecturers beat us to it…and it would be easier to think if that infernal repeat of Woman Of My Life wasn’t showing,someone should strike,you know,against the whole Spanish soap thing…

…ah,there’s an idea.

A couple of days later

Right,so I did my post thing.I even went out of my way to dish out props. (does anybody use that word anymore?who?where do they live?)And does anyone respond?Nope,y’all just choose to keep quiet on me…oh man,I dunno.guess I’ma stop here,way too disoriented….

A Beautiful Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

I realise the title up there has given grounds for a major diss-fest,but hey what the heck?Oh wait…do I get to use words like heck?will the brilliant chaps that thought this whole new novel concept guaranteed to generate money from the ads…money we won’t see mind you…will those guys let me say heck?they did put me through heck to get here.can’t I freely wax it moronic and get away with it?Nope,dont think so,chances are a trend has been started…everyone will want a piece blogal domination or some asinine thing.Don’t get me wrong,I love this thing (here I go with more sucking up so my account doesn’t get deleted by the powers that be) its brilliant,now when i hit massive writer’s block (and i do that sometimes)I will have some place to vent my itsy bitsy tantrums…ah the beauty that is the wide world web….

I’m thinking (there’s something new for y’all,Good Lord,Ivan thinks!!!there’s one for the record books) this is the bit where I make like I owe my life to all and sundry,say thanks for being there….Dull and dreary as it is, I suppose a thank you of some sort would be in order…Seriously now,without y’all I wouldn’t have any one that would stand me,put up with the annoying requests(Raymond,Kaza…Darlyne,wait a sec.Darlyne???) take me totally unseriously (just about all of you,which you don’t realise will hasten my mid-life crisis…and rubbish any chances of a date actually). The fact is there are lots of you to thank.I’ve accumulated more friends over the years than J-Lo has developed any talent (sarcasm may be wasted on a few here) and if I haven’t mentioned you by name its because I dread the repurcussions…who knows who I’m going to refer here….

There,I’ve just robbed you of valuable surf time and quite possibly 3-5 minutes of your life that you will neverrecover telling you all the obvious,You are appreciated…not as much as I appreciate God’s goodness and love and all he has done for me,but you rank highly,each and everyone of you…hehe,what are the odds of me actually repeating those words in person??Higher chance having the pope turn moslem….Oh crap,certainly hope those Oh-So-Awesome guys running this site are not catholic…or Moslem….or worse…REPUBLICANS!